I was trying to search the song lyrics “Even in the dark” that I wrote in the blog and then I read some of the old posts. It made me realised how much I’ve changed from a person who yearns for love and yearns for the Lord to a person who is married to K on 12 nov 2016 but loved herself more than anyone else.

Reading my old post reminds me how much I’m lacking this reflective view of the way I’m living.  I’ve allowed myself to drift into the selfish mindset of being just me. Excuses of busy day at work and at a life stage of establishing a family to cover up my total laziness.

I’ve suffered a blight ovum in Dec 2016.. I’ve prayed many times for a gift from God - a child. And I had those two lines appearing on the hcg test kit after trying for about 8 months. 8 weeks before the diagnosis of blight ovum - baby not formed at all, I prayed for the gift within me every night, telling God how thankful I am and to keep the baby safe and healthy. It ended up being a empty gift box.

 I’m no longer the nurse who takes good care of patients - which I really missing it ALOT. I’m currently working as an infection control nurse who tries to keep all the patients in the hospital safe from all sorts of pathogenic microorganisms. It was interesting but it’s not my passion. This job allows me to have a 8 to 5 working hours, allowing me to attend church regularly.

But.. though I’m in church more regular than years back, my heart is not aligned with Christ. Something is wrong with me. And today, I realised that it’s that reflective heart towards my life went missing. I have been moving on day by day without reflecting on myself and my life seriously.

I ended my last post in Sep 2013, and for the past few years since 2014, I’ve been focusing on my different life stages.. in a relationship stage, job change, getting married, establishing a family but not my Christian life.

Many things changed. I’m no longer actively making relationships with my church friends, it feels so difficult to blend in. I’m losing stories to tell that enriches my life compared to before. I’m no longer that person I used to be.

I miss her. The old me.

But it’s not late to create the new me.

“Happy are those who keep His decrees and seek Him with all their heart”  Psalms 119:2

Im hospitalised in AH, a small and familiar hospital. Im diagnosed dengue fever.

Ling ling shared with me about this video and also sneak preview of the book "heaven is for real"
and my heart shivered. i was scared.

many times after times, i disobeyed the Lord,  even i know it was wrong, i still do it.
i'll fallen into satan's trap. many times i went to church, i pray that i want to repent
but when i'm out of church, i'm back to square one.

we always focus on God's grace and love, and ended up taking advantage of it.
we always think that God will forgive, but in actual fact, he wants us to repent and not do it again.
not to do and then ask for forgiveness.

i can't deny the fact that the end is near
looking at everyday life around the world
it's reflecting the Word of God.

you may think that this video is exaggerating,
but it wasn't , it's for repentance.

im currently at my comfort zone.

meaning,
- no debts
- no stress, okay except when i need to rush assignments
- love life, awesome
- friends, still around
- spiritual, have been attending cell lately, dunno y my weekends are pretty made available to me.
- work hectic at times yea

during my appraisal
when my boss asked me, " gabrielle so how? how r u?"
i replied sincerely with the thought about 'work' in respect to that qns
" like that lor,  used to it already."
boss said " jia lat, means can go off already, else must give u more work already."

relatively, if i ask myself that question, pertaining to my life.
"like that lor, used to it already"
i wonder, has my life been a breeze lately or i'm really used to my comfort zone
izzit a 'jialat' i need to get more in life.

i have not really prayed about what shall be next after completion of my bond in term of career advancement etc.  neither have i pray about anything with regards to my spiritual life.

but i do have a strong urge of resigning and getting back into track with my saturdays and sunday commitments to God. its a dwelling desire i have to want to serve along with my brothers and sisters.
once again enjoy the joy of leading worship, the peace that comes from prayers within close cell group members, the fun filled fellowship.

i guess this is what i need to get more in life.

without God, life can be a breeze, life can be good,  but like what it is, it'll just come and go, a short secs of shungness, but nothing left behind.


and yes, stupid old aunty boss did give me extra work, DAMN!
but i'm at the stage of ignorance hehehe

A patient's father told me this

Been and back from Bangkok recently and caught a flu right after... so wasted my 6 days of annual leave lying around at home, recuperating and prepare to go back to work and school on the 5th.

Bangkok trip was pretty awesome! went with kenneth, wenya, alvin (wenya's bf), ling ling and lingling's friend minyuan. this time round my 2nd trip there, i didnt shop as crazy as the first time.
we ate quite alot, i KO-ed pretty early, guess this is sign of aging.

2days back, lingling texted me, and told me that my most resourceful person(Geeta~ ka~) asked me not to leave the organisation within this 6months as i may be promoted, most likely will be promoted.
well, i was pretty happy for a few minutes.. if i get promoted, it means that my new job search may be much easier, if i'm not promoted and i left the organisation before my promo, then my new job search may be less easy in terms of salary.

one of my friend is getting engaged soon, and i was really happy, however kenneth popped a qns, are they stable enough to even get married, start a family. looking at the recent news of housing and car hikes, money is really important. That led to myself wondering if i leave the organisation, will i stay get the amount of money i earn currently? because my current income is pretty high~~~

but i know i have to stand firm, and leave the organisation to find a job that allows me to go to church every sunday again, to go back to my fellowship, to go back to where i was.
I came across this verse today, and it encourages me to stand firm to my decision.

Testing of Your Faith

2 eCount it all joy, my brothers,2 when you meet trials fof various kinds, 3 for you know that gthe testing of your faith hproduces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be iperfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

5 jIf any of you lacks wisdom, klet him ask God, lwho gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But mlet him ask in faith,nwith no doubting, for the one who doubts is like oa wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 phe is a double-minded man, qunstable in all his ways.

9 Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, 10 and rthe rich in his humiliation, because slike a flower of the grass3 he will pass away. 11 For the sun rises with its scorching heat and twithers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

12 uBlessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive vthe crown of life, wwhich God has promised to those who love him. 13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire xwhen it has conceived gives birth to sin, and ysin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. 17 zEvery good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from athe Father of lightsbwith whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.4 18 cOf his own will he dbrought us forth by the word of truth, ethat we should be a kind offfirstfruits of his creatures.

true enough, serving the Lord brings me much joy than the high income i'm getting, although i get to have things i want, but i lost what i needed most.

Fellowship.

Happy Chinese New Year! 

child of God
staff nurse

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